1st holiday I was not welcome, Easter.

Typically every Easter goes about the same way each year.  I would arrive a little early and try to help with any of the preparations before my brothers would come with their families.

We would eat good food; the little ones would have an Easter egg hunt and play in the backyard.  After that, I would clean the kitchen for my mom since she put all the effort into making the day happen.

I wasn’t invited to Easter this year.  We had a cookout at home, decorated eggs and had a small Easter egg hunt at the house.  My child didn’t seem to notice we did not go to grandma’s, thankfully.  I however noticed.

I am being shunned by my family.  I am an addict and whether I am clean or using I have addict behaviors.  I stole a large sum of money from family, embarrassed them and I should have gone to jail.  My mother paid the money back which is the only reason I can write this blog.  I am getting treatment and am 2 day’s clean.  I know big deal, but it is because I made this choice on my own.

I needed treatment for more than just treatment, not a 12 step program.  I need doctors to help me figure out what is wrong with me. I don’t know how to live any other way.

My family is toxic for me right now just as I am toxic for them.  It was the best thing to do by not inviting me but for me to say it didn’t feel like my heart was being ripped out my throat would be a lie because it did.  I don’t know if we will be able to move on from here.  I don’t see how

This Monster of Mine

Addiction and I, brush past each other as quick as it takes to swallow a pill, or tear open the strip that lies and says this is sobriety.

Never do I acknowledge addictions presence. There is no way to do that without facing this life sentence.

I chose you at first, to help ease the pain; ironically 20 years later, you’re driving me insane.

Out of nowhere, laying in bed and all of a sudden, this monster is jumping, inside my head. My body starts sweating while freezing too. Addiction is ready to take control, working up a plan of what to put me through.

Knowing what’s coming, is scary as Hell. It will take months for me to get well.

The monster of addiction stomps through my body, not missing a spot, with the power of a juggernaut.

My stomach is weak, legs are jerking, as my nerves stand up tall. I got myself into this, so I must face it all.

Today is day one. My monster tells me this is just a rerun.

Please pray I make it through this night. This monster of mine is ready to fight.

image by Aaron Griffin