Pills, Methadone, Pills, Methadone, Pills, Methadone – Suboxone…Medical Detox

Mom, it is not your fault.

Parents are so hard on themselves. It doesn’t matter if you are the picture perfect parent, I know none of those. No one does, but the best ones I do know are hard on themselves. The ones that think they are perfect, usually are not.

Here right now I am releasing my parents of any thoughts that they are the reason. I am an adult, and my choices are my own. There are things I need help with that are overdue; that is all. In no way does that mean I blame you for the present, and the past is the past. We as parents all do the best we can with what we have and know. Believing that you love me is no issue. The issues I have now are my own.

Please stop beating yourself up…I love you. There are some things that I have to look at about the person I am, not the parent that you were. So when I talk about needing mental help, please don’t hear that as a mark of you or your parenting. You are my Mom, and you love me. My Dad loves me; that is not the problem. The problem lays within me. Loving myself in any way healthy has been an issue that I have always had. So it’s my shortcomings, something within my mind that tells me you are bad. You have always been bad and always will. I am trying to silence that voice in my head. It is something only I can do. I am lucky to have the support I have; I don’t even deserve it. So please mom, don’t beat yourself up, I have done enough of that to you. I don’t blame anyone for my mistakes. They are my own, and that is what I am trying figure out.

Nothing that happened before I became an adult matter. I chose to do what I do, and I take full responsibility. When you hear me say I need help and need to work through things in my past, it is not an attack on anyone. It is simply the truth. Please don’t take my issues upon yourself. I love you; I forgive anything you are worried about, or may think I blame you for. I don’t, it’s old news and has no bearing on the present. You did the best you could; I do the best I can with my children it is with myself that I fall short. I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused, how I wish I could take it away. All I can do now is work on the voice in my head that works so hard to destroy anything good in my life. That voice is not yours; it is mine. I love you.

*Art by Aaron Griffin

I sent this apology to my Mother in March.  I hope you enjoyed it.


Pills, Methadone, Pills, Methadone, Pills, Methadone – Suboxone…Medical Detox

Okay, so when I was about 26 years old I was working as an escort in Louisville, KY. I had been doing it already for about five years by this point. We had an office over off Newburg Road right beside the Imperial House. When you first walked in it looked like any run of the mill tiny business office. There were two desks, phones, papers, files and a large safe that set in the farthest corner of the room.

On the right side of the space, there was an interior door. Behind this door, there was a couch on the wall on your right with cute pillows. The big screen tv, you know the massive ones that set on the floor and were two feet thick, was on the wall straight ahead. A big comfy chair set over to the left. Lockers for all the girls were against the outside wall. Locks decorated with nail polish or stickers hung from each door. A round table with chairs around it normally had a selection of unhealthy treats on it. This room was where the girls would wait for their calls. See when you are running an escort service the hardest part is keeping up with the girls. If you make them come and sit in the office for their shift, it makes for a much more reliable service, but now you have to deal with them.

So I had a terrible headache, and I was asking some of the girls if they had anything. No one had any aspirin or Tylenol. My head was pounding, and one of the girls said that Chrissy might have something. Perfect idea because Chrissy lived over at the Imperial House, which is a high rise apartment building that practically shared the same parking lot as the office. She and I were pretty close, and I would often go over to her house and smoke pot with her when I needed to escape the crazy that was often happening at work.

I remember it like it was yesterday, I went over to her building and rode the elevator to the 8th floor. She answered the door and before she could even say hello I was holding my head and asking if she had any Tylenol or anything for a headache. She looked around for a minute and told me she didn’t have any she was sorry. Then she said I don’t have anything over the counter, but I do have something. As crazy as it sounds I had no clue what she was talking about, I had prescription pain meds when I got my wisdom teeth pulled at 20 years old. I don’t know if I even took the meds then, I have no memory of them.

Outstretched her hand in a fist and dropped the white oval shaped pill into my palm. I said what is it? As though I were ignorant she said just a pain pill from the doctor, it will take your headache away faster than aspirin or something.

All the way back to the office I examined the medicine. Chrissy stayed to herself most of the time since she lived so close to the office, she did not have to come in for her shifts. There had been some whispers that she took drugs, but I did not give it much thought. She never did anything that I saw other than smoking pot. When I got back to the office, Nikki asked if I found anything and I showed her the pill. That will work she said. So I put it on my tongue and took a few big gulps of my soda. The phones were starting to ring and without me having a clue this was the beginning of an almost 20-year addiction to opiates.

Well, I guess to tell my story I should go back a little further, see I was not an addict when I started escorting. It wasn’t until I owned my service that I started using. So let’s go back a little further to explain how I even got to this point.

I don’t want to go into too much detail about my childhood because I don’t want anyone to think I am using it as an excuse.  There comes a time when you must take responsibility for your actions. It would be crazy if I said the sexual abuse I suffered didn’t make it easier to work in the adult industry, though.  When someone goes through extreme sexual abuse, they need therapy.  I did not get that, and to this day, I am affected by it.

So as a little girl I was sexually abused for an extended amount of time.  Due to this, I have issues with the act of going to bed and falling asleep in the evening.  When I was about 16, I was pursued by another trusted family member.  The hardest part about these two incidents were more that, not only were they not punished for the abuse, no one talked about it with me,  swept under the rug.   At holiday’s, I felt an obligation to act as though nothing happen. That was revictimizing, every time I walked into a room with one of them and some knew and others did not, I was expected to act as though nothing happened. It’s not like someone pulled me aside, telling me, now you just forget it happen and be a good little girl. They just didn’t say much of anything. I got a sorry letter and a talk.

When dancing at your wedding, you should not be thinking this person did this to me.  Many in the room know about the abuse.  I still dance, though?  It sent a message to me, right or wrong.

So after getting preg. I went and stayed in a homeless shelter for women that were preg in Chicago.  It was a decent place, much more comfortable than my car.  My son was born, and I moved back in with my Mother and Step-Father for about four weeks.  After that, I ended up back in Kentucky with a brand new baby.  You talk about lost.  We stayed with my Dad for a month or so and then moved into a cute little two bedroom apartment.  Speak of scary; it would have been scary if I would have moved into that apartment with a roommate and no baby.  With the baby and by myself it was terrifying.

There was a job at a Country Club not too far from my apartment, and I started working there as a waitress.  I made 5.25 an hour, no tips.  I was 19 years old.  There was no help from my child’s father.  He was physically abusive.  After shooting someone in Chicago, he ran down to Kentucky.  He hid out at my apartment for awhile, after choking me until I lost consciousness I called the cops, he went prison for the shooting.

I made a friend over at the laundry mat across from my apartment.  With a new baby, expect plenty of laundries, she worked there.  One day while doing laundry and talking to Shannon, we decided to order a pizza and split the cost.  She lived alone, and we could both get a few meals each out of a large pizza.  While looking through the phonebook, we came across Escorts.  Neither one of us had any idea what they were but they said hiring.  She and I giggled because it said nudity or something and we proceeded to the P’s and ordered our pizza.

A few weeks later I was worrying about bills. I felt as though I was working a lot; there just did not seem to be enough money.  I picked up the phone book and went straight back to the E’s.  There is nothing wrong with just calling right?   There were pages of ads that said things like nudity, massage, and private dance. Almost every ad had a now hiring.

It was like picking a horse in a horse race when you know nothing about racing. You look at the names right? Well, that is what I did when deciding which service to call. The person on the other end just said escort service how can I help you? I saw your ad in the phone book; it are you hiring. She was very nice and told me yes they were always hiring. So what is an escort service I asked? She giggled and said it’s nothing like you might think. Do you have sex with men? I asked. No that is illegal she said. There is nudity and stuff, but they cannot touch you. We make them sign a contract. Would you like to come in a put in an application? I haven’t ever done anything like this, is that ok? She said yes, we prefer to hire girls that can be trained the way we do things. Okay, how long do I train? I need to make some money as quick as possible. You can start tonight if you want. Oh ok, I am going to think about it a minute and call you back ok. Okay she said, I made 400 dollars last night in two calls, so that was two hours. You don’t even end up staying the full hour most times, but ok I hope you call back we can always use the help.

Oh, my God, 400 dollars was like a million to me. My rent was only 300. The paycheck I got from the country club were that much for two weeks. Ok, I can do this, but only long enough to get the rent and other bills caught up. That is all. So I called her back, and she told me to come to the extended stay hotel. They were in between offices she said and they were staying there for the time being. I got to the room a girl about my age opened the door. Her name was Kim. She said the owners of the service ran out to get some food real quick, and they should be right back.

Kim was from Indianapolis, Indiana. She came down from a service there that the owners Anne and Todd owned. They brought her to Louisville to open this location.

to be continued

She and I hit it off right away. This girl was lonely here in a place she knew no one. She told me about the business and said she loved it. Anne and Todd came in and started talking to me. They lived in Arizona and owned services there and all across the country. Anne made everything sound so easy. You go into the room and the driver/security would go with you. He collects the agencies fee which was 150; that was just the time. The driver leaves after getting the funds and contract signed stating there is no sexual contact, that the girl is there for company, not sex and if they ask for sex or touch the girl she is free to leave, no refund. He would have broken the contract if this happen. Sounded good to me. Oh, so how you make money is by offering these services and you can pick how much you charge for each. You can do a massage, get nude, dance, role play without sexual contact and of course the lingerie show.

to be continued

While learning about the job the phone rang and Anne was trying to sell a two lady show. The guy on the other end of the phone agreed. Anne said this is a training call, Kim will show you how it is done. She paged the driver and he was there in 10 minutes. He was in his thirties and had an old car. This wasn’t exactly how I pictured it, but it is what it is. I knew that there were going to be lots of things that I wouldn’t love doing this job. It didn’t even seem real. At the hotel, I started to get nervous, what if I know him? Oh god, how did I end up here?

The gentleman opened the door and was a bit unsure of there being a guy at his door with us. The driver turned on his charm and said, it’s okay sir I just need to collect the money so there is no drama with the ladies over the money. Plus I need you to sign this contract stating that you are not paying for any sexual contact. If you break the contract they are free to leave. Ok, you guys enjoy your visit and I have my pager if you need any help. We had codes for the pagers like 1111111 meant model needs assistance and so on.

After the driver left, Kim started her sales pitch. So, with the money you just gave the driver that is the agency fee. We don’t get any of that. It pays for an hour of our time and a lingerie show. If you want us to get nude it is going to cost you two hundred more. Nude and a massage will be 400 more. So what would you like to do? The guy looked kind of shocked but then said he will do the 400. I couldn’t believe he was going to give us 400 more dollars. It was true we didn’t get any of the agency fees. Our only way to make money was off tips. I was nervous but I just bit the bullet and followed her lead.

She told him we were going to the bathroom to change.  As I followed her I could sense that the man was undressing.  I hadn’t even closed the door before she started undressing and told me to do the same.  Everything in me wanted to run out the bathroom and through the door and out of that hotel.  I have no idea why I didn’t.  If I had I truly believe my life would have been so different.  If only…

In the bathroom, she told me to just stay quiet and she would take care of everything.   When we came out the guy was laying on the bed watching tv, totally naked.  Kim climbed right up on the bed and told him to lay on him stomach we were going to give him a massage.  Kim told me to grab her massage oil out of her bag so I did and climbed up on the other side of the bed.  We started to give the guy what was little more than a back rub and she started a conversation with him.

He was married and his wife didn’t have any interest in sex anymore.  I can’t remember the tale that this guy told because they all had a tale.  Every client I saw just about had some “great excuse” as to why they would be calling me when they had a loving wife at home.  Kim just listened and I didn’t say a word.  When he was tired of the massage he turned over and reached out to touch me. I jumped up off the bed and told him that wasn’t allowed.  Kim was cool as a cucumber.  She told him I was right that he couldn’t touch us.  He wasn’t happy.  He had just paid 600 for what, a back rub?  She told him no it was for companionship and that if he wanted he was welcome to touch himself that the rules we simply that he couldn’t touch us and the only way we would touch him was the massage.

By this point, it had already been about 40 minutes and she pointed this out to him.  He knew he had been ripped off but what was he going to do?  He could raise too big of a stink because he was married and didn’t want the hotel or anyone for that matter to know he had invited us to his room.  She pointed out the contract that he signed and said if he asked for sex again we would leave immediately.  I couldn’t believe it but this man old enough to be my grandfather masturbated while he had us pose around the room.  It was shocking, but because Kim was so calm and matter of fact about it, it set me an ease.  It took him all of a minute to finish and then we left.

I had spent less than an hour in the room and made two hundred dollars.  That was more than I made in a week.  On the way back to the office Kim and I just laughed and laughed about all the crazy stories that she shared with the driver chiming in every once in a while with a detail she had forgotten.  At the time her stories seemed impossible, the large amounts of money she talked about making and some of the unbelievable situations she had found herself in.  Boy oh boy, she had seen some crazy stuff, but her stories were nothing compared to the ones I would experience myself over the next 10 or so years of being an escort.

Boy oh boy, she had seen some crazy stuff, but her stories were nothing compared to the ones I would experience myself over the next 10 or so years of being an escort.  Before it was over I would own several services myself and would also go to jail for prostitution.  In Kentucky, you can be charged with prostitution even if you don’t engage in any type of sex.  All you have to do is accept a tip on top of the agency fee and you can be arrested.  That didn’t happen to me until 10 years after this first night.  If it had happened earlier I might not be here writing this blog.


Only As Sick As Our Secrets

So they say when I was born I was a small baby.  My parents at some point moved to California because my Dad was in the Marines and was stationed there.  I only have one memory of this time of my life. I had a little guitar, and I was sitting on the floor on a blanket. One of my parent’s friends walked through the living room the stepped on the toy and broke it.  I must have loved this baby instrument because I have always remembered it.  Either that or have been told the story, not sure.

For some reason, I don’t remember the little Mexican boy that lived close and was my best friend.  They say I could understand every word he said even though he only spoke Spanish. I am sure we more than likely just communicated in friendship more so than in language.

I am not sure what my next memory is but I think it is of the house my parents bought in Valley Station.   The house was green on the outside so for eternity it has been and always will be known as “the green house.’  There was a swingset in the back yard, my little brother and I had our own rooms.  I either had a canopy bed or wanted one.  My mom wanted to paint the living room this wild orange and my dad built a wooden beam that went across the high ceiling. They were proud of this home, it was theirs, they owned it.

The next memory that I have is my mom getting hurt at work.  She was working at Target and fell off a ladder or something.  That may be incorrect in some of the detail but for sure something bad happens to my mom, and it scared me.  It must be why I remember it so clearly.

The next thing that comes to mind was a hot day, and some of the neighborhood kids came over to play.  We had a child pool sitting on the side of the house, and we were all playing in the pool. All of a sudden my Dad came out and told me, come on, we are going somewhere.  So in just my bathing suit I followed.  There are not many places you can take a child that is just wearing a swimsuit, so he took me to park after park, you know the ones with the fountains that kids stand under and play.  I had a great time. It has been one of my favorite memories of my childhood.  When we arrived back at home clearly, there was something very wrong.  The only thing I remember is that my mom was relieved to see me.  Later I believe the story was that my dad did not tell her he was taking my because they had been fighting.  So I think she thought all that time that I was missing.

At some point and this is all very foggy in my head, my parents split up.  Mom moved to Fountain Square Apts  I believe she took us with her, not sure, though.  I do know that we had a babysitter named Tina, who was a teenager.


She lived in the same neighborhood as my dad and would sneak us back over to the area.  She was real young and had a boy she wanted to hang out with.  The next thing I remember is my dad taking us fishing and bringing us back to moms apartment.  We had a few fish and Dad told us to put them in the bathtub with water.  When my mom got home, she was not amused about the catfish in her bathtub.  My mom’s roommate must have let us in, don’t know how we got in when she wasn’t home.

I have heard stories about my dad being abusive to my mom; I don’t have any memories of that.  I don’t know why we went back to live with my dad, but we did.

Dad had a new girlfriend; her name was Wenny.  She was real young.  I believe ten years older than I was, and I was only in Kindergarten or 1st grade.  She came to live with us in the green house.  It doesn’t seem like it was too long after that she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  Her name was Angela.  I loved that baby.  Once night while my dad and

Once night while my dad and Wenny were somewhere my Granny was at the house babysitting us.  My brother and I were playing in his room when all of a sudden I heard chaos coming from the other room.  My granny who was one of the strongest people you could meet was screaming at the top of her lungs on the phone.  I tried to come and see what was wrong but just with her eyes and a sharp point to go back to the room, I ran back.  I watched in horror as my dad and wenny came rushing in and Wenny was making a sound I will never forget.  Then there we men in uniforms, I saw one of them grab Angela, cut her cute little pjs I had helped put on her a few hours ago, with scissors.  The huge man was blocking my view of the baby.  The next thing I knew they were gone.

I don’t remember if Wenny and my Dad went to the hospital too or what happen after that.  My next memory was walking to school the next day and telling the girl that was walking with me that my little sister had died and that I thought the big man had done it.  He didn’t though is was SIDS.  I have had nightmares about that numerous times.  She was buried on my Dad’s birthday and after that he didn’t celebrate his birthday anymore. ( to be continued )