Thoughts throughout Addiction

At the beginning:

  1. I found a miracle drug
  2. Go to the doctor and you are golden.
  3. This takes away everything I hate about my life.
  4. I can work and live without anyone knowing.

After two months:

  1. I have to have it
  2. It makes me a better mom
  3. I could shovel shit and be happy
  4. I need to go find more.

After a year:

  1. How did I get myself into this?
  2. If I don’t have it I feel like I am going to die.
  3. Why didn’t I stop after the first month?
  4. Where am I going to find more?

After 5 Years:

  1. Well, I am fucked.
  2. I can’t keep taking these pills.
  3. I am going to a clinic for methadone.
  4. It is so much cheaper.
  5. Now I can be a good mom.
  6. As long as I have this it will be ok.

After 10 years:

  1. I think I am ready to come off the methadone.
  2. I don’t even feel like I am using anymore.
  3. This time, I am done!

A few weeks later:

  1. This is worst than the withdrawals from the pills.
  2. I can’t do it.
  3. There is no hope.

A few days later:

  1. It’s okay I just have to realize I will be on this forever.

Two years Later:

  1. There is a new drug called Suboxone.
  2. It’s not addictive.
  3. But it is 70 more dollars a week.
  4. It’s worth it, right?

A year later:

  1. Suboxone works great, except they lied, it is addictive.
  2. The withdrawal is just as bad as Methadone.
  3. They robbed me for over a year.
  4. I gotta do something, I can’t get ahead here.
  5. I am getting married.
  6. want to have a baby.
  7. gotta jump off.
  8. It was hell.

A month later:

  1. It’s not getting better.
  2. I feel worse than when I first stopped.

A month Later:

  1. I haven’t had a decent sleep for two months.
  2. I can’t get comfortable.
  3. The restless leg syndrome is awful.
  4. I think of calling a dealer every second.

A Month Later:

  1. Is this ever going to stop?
  2. I still cannot sleep.
  3. I took a bunch of Xanax and didn’t even feel them.
  4. I took shot after shot of Tequila to hopefully pass out, it didn’t work.
  5. The only relief I get is from baths.

A Month Later:

  1. How is it possible I still feel terrible?
  2. At least now I only think about relapsing about 20 times a day.
  3. This is awful.
  4. I am taking 3 baths a day.

A Month Later:

  1. It feels like it is calming down.
  2. I still think about calling a dealer a few times a day.
  3. Sleep is finally coming.

A Month Later:

  1. I am pregnant
  2. I can’t believe it.
  3. I can do this!

A Month Later:

I don’t even think about it anymore.  This is awesome!

Baby is Born:

  1. So happy to be a mom again.

Two months Later:

  1. My appendix burst was given pain meds.

2 years later:

Using Again…So upset.

3 years later:

I got back on Suboxone and a year later, here I am going through withdrawal again.  You would think I would have learned.  I just feel connected to this drug that always calls my name.  I wish I could block it out.  Please pray I won’t make the same mistake again.  I have deprived my family of enough.

Stories Of Country Childhood

When I think about the things I enjoyed doing and was allowed to do as a child, it makes me sad for my kids.

I was in second grade and my dad rented a house in Corydon, Indiana.  It was a very old house. No hot water, wood- burning stove was our only heat and we loved it. I have a younger brother who is two years younger than me.  That would mean he was in kindergarten.

The first Christmas we were there, while opening presents my dad came rushing into the house and told us to go get our dog because it was fighting something in the yard. This was common, so we ran out to see what was going on.  Tied to a tree there were two ponies.  We were so excited.  The way I remember it we jumped right on them and began three years of adventure.

Our mother and father were separated.  She was in Texas and my dad had a live-in girlfriend.  She was only 19 or so.  My dad worked all week and some weekends, which left his girlfriend to watch us.  In truth, we were on our own other than the food she gave us and when we forced her to be a referee.

We would wake up early in the morning and half asleep we would grab our ponies and take off.  We set out to discover everything around us.  We traveled down the road in front of our house to see what was at the other end first.


This the road we rode down.

We had no idea the wonders that lay at the end of it.

This was just one of the cool things we saw.

A little farther was an old bridge.

We actually took our ponies across this bridge.  Remember I was only in second grade and my brother was in kindergarten.  Below this bridge we liked to use inner tubes to ride the rapids.  This is Indian Creek, which wrapped around White Cloud.

One day we went down to the creek where it ran in front of our house and we caught Bobby Knight, the famously angry coach of Indiana University Basketball. We wouldn’t leave him alone because it was like running into a huge celebrity.  I guess he was pretty huge.

This was a huge deal.

Here is a better picture of him.


So after we annoyed him forever he gave us two mud dogs that he caught that day.  With fishing line tied around their necks, he told us to take them to our dad.  We hadn’t seen one before.  If you haven’t check it out.


A mud dog is a catfish with legs and a long tail.

At home, we ran into the house and presented these two fish to our father.  We were so excited.  Our dad shared his love of college basketball with us, so we just knew he was going to think it was pretty cool that Bobby Knight had given us something to give him.  He thought it was really cool that we ran into the famed coach but the mud dogs were not provoking excitement at all.  We thought we discovered a whole new species. We were adventurers, weren’t we?

Our dad told us to take them back to the coach, but we were too scared.  He had his brand new pickup truck parked across from our house where the path to the creek was.  To our horror, he took the two creatures and put them in the back of his truck.  I bet Mr. Knight wasn’t too excited about that.  It sure did make for a great family story, though.

There were countless nights that we would go down to the creek to fish all night long.  It was nothing to us.  We built a fire to stay warm and keep the bugs away.  In the morning ,we would ride our ponies back to the house and go to sleep.

Our ponies were always getting loose.  We had barns and no matter what we did to keep them secure they always found a way out.  When that happen we had to find them.  Somehow we always did.

These are just a few of the amazing times we had together.  I cannot imagine letting my first grader who in the fall will be in second grade do any of these things.  We don’t live in the country anymore, maybe it would be different if we did.

Thanks Dad for allowing us to do these things.  It was awesome.


Heartbroken Momma

My daughter just died on May 3rd from an overdose.
I have written a letter that I wanted to post to your page on the devastation that is left behind from drugs. My hope is to reach anyone with an addiction to help them be aware of what happens to their families when they die ……I will send you my post and if you think its ok to post go for it. If not I appreciate your time.
I am a very heartbroken mother who just lost her 29-year-old daughter (Keri Canter Cole) to fentanyl/heroin on May,3rd,2016. I am writing to you because I really wanted to post the devastation left behind when our loved ones die from Overdose. I see lots of comments about it was their choice to do the drugs in the first place and yes it was……but once done, the horribleness that comes from that is such a terrible sickness that no one understands unless they have lived it. I have lived with my daughter’s addiction for years. I was also lied to a lot with I am clean. I offered several times to take my beautiful granddaughters so Keri could go into rehab and get rid of this ugly demon but she wouldn’t do it.  
I was just with Keri in March and did one of those drug tests on her from the drug store…7 illegal drugs and 5 prescription drugs….she was CLEAN. That’s why all of this is so heartbreaking because I truly believed she was clean. Keri’s story is like so many others. She was in a couple of car accidents and had some injuries, put on pain meds…when she told her doctor she thought she had a problem he kicked her out of his office and said I don’t deal with druggies and put her on the street. I know this was a daily struggle for her, I know she tried her hardest to get away from all of this but it just kept that nasty hold on her that she couldn’t get away from. Keri was a wonderful fun loving beautiful person that got wrapped into a terrible situation that she couldn’t break free from. I know she is not the only one who is in this situation. We are losing our children at an alarming rate from this epidemic. The pain I feel in my heart and soul is so tremendous I don’t know if I will ever come up from the depth of sadness that is my life now. I was born and raised in Conneaut Ohio. I left there 10 yrs. ago to care for my elderly parents….who need me badly but I think now I was needed more in Conneaut which is truly hard to deal with in the aftermath. You know the what ifs and if I had only deals….that’s where I am at now.
I guess I am writing to you because there seems to be a lot of intelligent people from all wakes of life on this site……I am 4 hours away from Conneaut but there has got to be something that can be done on this epidemic……I so want to save our next child but have no knowledge of how to do that. I was wondering if maybe you could put something up about how as a community we can get tougher laws on dealers and sellers or maybe when a person is brought into Jail for drugs they get put into a program instead of letting them right back out, or that these doctors who do what they did to my Keri, pay for this and have to pay for the rehab for each person they got addicted in some way of form.
I don’t know what the answer is, there has to be some answer somewhere. I personally want her dealers head in the middle of Conneaut so everyone knows he murdered my daughter…..bitter and harsh I know but that’s how I feel. I know my Keri made a choice…..but I know that choice was not to die and leave her beautiful children, her husband mother father sisters brothers grandparents aunts uncles and cousins and I am sure that is the case for any other of our children who have succumbed to this tragic end. I always told her I was going to call Dr. Phil for an intervention and we would laugh (this is when she was clean….) Now I truly wish I had……I don’t know if there is anything any of us can do but I just needed to ask. Thank you for letting me take your time and for a great group you have. I like your no-nonsense approach.
Darlene Harvey
Keri Canter Cole’s
brokenhearted Momma

Where Am I and Who Are You?

Waking up after twenty years can be shocking.  When I look around at certain parts of my life I cannot help but wonder…what the hell was I thinking?  I have been with the same man for twenty-two years.  In other words twenty of those years, I was battling serious opiate and benzo ( Xanax ) addiction.

Since I began tapering I have noticed that one of the things that I definitely made  a mistake continuing this relationship.  It’s no wonder I took so many benzo’s, this guy is an asshole.

Working regular seems to be above him and being a decent person is impossible I guess. What do I do about this?  The only sober time I had in those years was long enough for me to get pregnant, carry the child and until he was two.  So we have a seven-year-old that owns my heart.  The problem is that his father owns his.  I may be paying for this mistake for the rest of my life.  I just pray my son doesn’t pay as well.