Category: Holy Addiction (Blog)

Did Maintenance Drugs Save Me From Heroin?

Did Maintenance Drugs Save Me From Heroin?

I wonder often if maintenance drugs saved me from heroin addiction.  My story is a little different from most of the stories I have heard.  I guess all of our stories are different when it comes down to it but here is a little of mine.  Fifteen years of my twenty-year addiction to opiates was spent on either Methadone or Suboxone.


On my first trip to the Methadone Clinic in Southern Indiana, I traded a Loratab habit for Methadone.  That’s the equivalent of trading a monkey on your back for King Kong.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  When I got to the clinic no one told me that I would be addicted to this as well but if I am being truthful it wouldn’t have mattered if they had beat it into me.  There was no way I wanted to continue hunting pills and I wanted to feel secure knowing I wasn’t breaking the law. The main thing though is that I did not want to be sick.  I was scared to death of it.  Makes no sense that someone terrified of a Loratab withdraws would start Methadone.  The withdraw is ten times harder easy.  There was no way for me to know this at the time.  I soon found out though.


During that Fifteen years I relapsed several times, and each time I went out I moved up to the next level opiate.  So after Loratabs, I went to Percocet.  My relapses always happen because I would try to ween myself off of Methadone as fast as possible.  The stigma that came along with the clinic was painful.  I didn’t want to be a slave to anything.  I was doomed to fail every time though.


So this is what my relapses looked like.  This is the order of opiates I used.  Each time you see a new drug that means a relapse.

  1. Loratabs
  2. Methadone
  3. Percocet
  4. Methadone
  5. Oxy’s
  6. Methadone
  7. Opana
  8. Methadone
  9. Suboxone

Xanax was part of the mix the entire way except for the last few months of suboxone. That was only because my source was no longer able to get ahold of them any longer.

My family hated the idea of Methadone or Suboxone.  As far as they are concerned I was still using just the same as if I were taking the pills.  So I always hid the fact that I was on any maintenance drugs so I was still hiding and full of shame.  There was no room for recovery when I couldn’t own the path that I was on.

In the end, I ended up being very resentful of the clinic.  They mislead me to believe that Suboxone was not addictive.  They swore that I would be able to just walk off of it whenever I was ready. As we all know now that is the farthest thing from the truth.  To be fair I was told this when Suboxone first came out.  Who knows maybe they honestly didn’t know. After I was on it for some time the Clinic told me that they were wrong and that I would have to ween down to come off of the drug.


I didn’t take the time to really think about what the clinic did for me because I was so focused on the drawbacks.  As you see from the list above I never made to heroin. If it were not for the clinic I would have for sure.  A few of the times I ended up back at the clinic it was because I was having trouble finding the drug that I wanted. What if someone had offered me heroin?  I would have taken it.   Probably after the Opana is when I would have eventually run into heroin.  There were numerous times when I was just taking pills that I was afraid to go to sleep.  I was mixing the Xanax with as many pills as I could get my hands on.  Heroin would have killed me for sure.


The clinic allowed me to have years where I wasn’t moving in the circles of drug dealers or people buying on the streets.  I may not have been in recovery but I wasn’t engaging in illegal activities and I was living my life.  On Suboxone, I never felt high.  I just didn’t feel sick.  The clinic offered me counseling one a week which I took seriously.  That ended up helping me in many ways too.  If nothing else just for someone to talk to.  Holding down a job was easy because I never had to call off so I could hunt down my daily fix. Being a functioning member of society was possible on the maintenance drugs.


What made me hate Methadone and Suboxone the most though was the withdraw.  All I kept telling myself was what the hell was I thinking?  I couldn’t handle a few days of this crap that is why I started the clinic.  Now I was having to face months of it.  Where I went wrong was how quickly I weened off.  I have since had several friends that followed the clinics recommended detox and they claim to have felt little to no withdraw.  My biggest advice is this if you are thinking of starting maintenance drugs.

  1. If you are only taking Loratab don’t go to the clinic.  Sit down and deal with the few days of being a little sick.
  2. If you start the clinic don’t go higher than fifty and for suboxone don’t take more than 8.  The higher you go the longer it will take to ween down and the more likely it will be that you decide to leave.
  3. When you do decide to leave follow the clinic’s recommendations for lowering your dose.

If you love someone suffering from addiction and they have decided to take Methadone or Suboxone please don’t judge them.  The worst thing you can do is to make them feel as though they have to hide things from you.  As long as they are taking this medication they more than likely won’t be taking heroin…which means they will live.  If we die we cannot recover.  Please remember that.


Friends In Online Recovery Community


It’s so easy to say that we are good people.  To type Amen under posts and call ourselves Christians is easy, but a wise old man told me to not listen to what people say but to watch what they do.  He wasn’t joking!  In order to know who people are, especially in the online world…or even better the recovery online world you gotta watch how they treat others. Watch how they react to situations.  Do they do the right thing, or do they talk about doing the right thing?

Recently I met a few women whom I believed were genuinely good people.  All of them were damaged, of course, we all are or we wouldn’t be in the recovery community, to begin with.  Damaged people are the kind of people I like the most.  They understand me because I am damaged too.  These women made me a better person.  They brought me closer to God and showed me what being loyal really meant, or so I thought.

At first, I blamed it on the influence of an outsider but it has since come to my attention that a few of them got away from this other person for whatever reason.  They didn’t come and say sorry to me, they didn’t publicly admit their wrong doings as I did in relation to this outsider.  Right along they went as though they never knew me, or didn’t now know that they had judged me wrongly.

The pain that I felt from these women turning their backs on me was severe.  It shouldn’t have been, I should have known better since this wasn’t my first rodeo here online.  Yet, it did and I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt now.  The reason I am writing this is so that maybe anyone reading this might think about something I wish I had.  This isn’t real life.  The people that you call friends on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or whatever social media platform aren’t the same as friends in real life.  Yes, you can meet great people online but real true friends…they are rare in the real world.  Online they are almost impossible to find.

Now don’t get me wrong you can have your friends online but don’t put the faith into them that you would if that person was sitting on your couch once a week.  See they don’t see your face, hear your voice regularly, see your life and there for really know you.  It’s so much easier to just stop answering messages when you will never run into the person at the supermarket or care about them in your heart.

So don’t be like me and believe that people care the way that you do.  Don’t believe that because they tell you over and over how important you are to them that you really are.  Always watch their relationships with others, see if I had thought about this I would have known where I stand.  There were relationships with at least one of them that should have told me all I needed to know.

If you do have this happen just know that you aren’t the bad guy.  It’s wrong to hurt people online or not. Just because someone talks the talk doesn’t mean they will walk the walk.  Just because someone shares memes that are spiritual and they say Amen doesn’t mean they would do what Jesus would do.  Also, if they don’t do those things…they might be the person that actually would worry about what Jesus would do. Be careful out here in the online world and remember when you see red flags in any relationship you gotta pay attention.  Sometimes the consequences of ignoring those signs are great. As long as you take the relationships for what they are you will be safe though, so enjoy your online buddies just guard your heart along the way.

Jamie Waller Stalking Recovery Community

Jamie Waller is Evil


Jamie Waller is a dangerous man.  He is what people mean when they say someone is a wolf is sheep’s clothing.  Only he isn’t scary to me physically, but he is diabolical, mentally.  I don’t know if you have noticed all the drama I have been in since December, well it has been hell.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  Every week a new person was pissed off at me for some unknown reason.  The worst part was they were so pissed off they wouldn’t even speak to me.

That was perfect for Jamie Waller because see Jamie was supposed to be my friend.  He was talking to me the whole time.  Acting shocked that once again some random advocate or person was horribly mad at me.  It drove me crazy and I would post stuff and go live to try and explain myself.  All the while Jamie was privately messaging me more and more info in order to set me off again.  It was awful.  We had a group chat too and in there he would make these comments that would bring a subject up that we as a group had already dropped and before I knew it I posting dumb shit again.

I guess this is called gaslighting.  I didn’t know anything about it.  I had heard of it but didn’t really understand.  I do now.  Jamie Waller was brilliantly doing exactly that to me.  He was acting like he really was my friend and cared.  He helped me with my websites and Facebook Recovery pages.  Now don’t get me wrong I sped by quite a few red flags so I am in no way innocent or didn’t have the chance to get out.  I had more than enough info on Mr. Jamie Waller to stay away.

You might remember a crazy ass video Norma Jean did about me a couple months ago and that crazy preacher dude that was stalking her and making her life hell.  Well, that is Jamie Waller.  I try to see the good in everyone.  I mean I have done some messed up stuff having been an addict for 20 years and because of that, I forgive.  The thing that breaks my heart the most in recovery is that people judge and don’t give second chances.  It hurts when you are working so hard to do the right thing.  So I didn’t hate Jamie Waller.  I played right into his hands.   He used me to hurt Norma and I let him.  I am so sorry for that.

Don’t worry guys and gals karma made sure to kick me in the ass for that.  Now it is me that he is attacking.  Well, me, William Charles and Norma even.  He turned my friends against me with bold faced lies.   He started attacking William Charles I am assuming because he made some comments against him that Jamie saw.  We know that is why because while the thread was going Jamies attacks began on William Charles.  Then the next thing we knew they put those dumb notices up on all their pages.  Smh.

Not just silly lies I am talking about him saying I threatened to stab some young addict over a man and that I am wanted for patient brokering when I have never put one single person in treatment.  I hate that shit.  That is why I don’t do it and I make that very clear to everyone.  He is saying I have been making tons of money since I stopped working for Reliance and I have barely made 500 dollars in two months.  It’s just insane.

That is what gaslighters do see.  Oh, but why is Jamie Waller mad?  Okay, let me break this down for you.  A little over a month ago I got a message from a woman claiming to be Jamie Waller’s wife.  Her name is Kelly Waller on Facebook.  I admit at first I thought it was Norma. It wasn’t.  Jamie freaked out that I was talking to her.  He had never mentioned a wife to me. Not that it mattered, I was anything but interested in him that way but it was a lie.  A big lie. That meant that all his stories about Norma were lies too.  Jamie Waller was not the person he said he was and his whole story was crumbling before his eyes.

This wasn’t just a wife, this was a very mentally abused wife that was desperate to find some truth in all the lies her husband was telling her.  She was scared though so I told her that I would go back to Jamie and pretend that I didn’t talk to her.  So I did, but he hacked her Facebook and saw our messages.  So I got caught lying to him.  He freaked and tore down my websites and acted as though the woman ( his ex ) he said was, of course, crazy.  Kelly told me that as soon as a woman becomes a problem, she is crazy.

We smoothed things over because I wanted my websites damn it, who knows why he allowed it but nothing was the same after that.  I confided in the girls Traci, Erin, and Krist about Jamie’s wife and that I was going to slowly pull away.  Everything was getting pretty calm and I was easing up for on my hate for Norma ( ya I said that…fml ) and I guess it was getting boring for Jamie.  He already started fights with Jamie Smith and the horrible messages to William Charles that caused him to write that article.  See he thought I sent Jamie to threaten him.  I had no idea it even happen until a month after the article and William Charles and I spoke.  He has since taken the article down.  So I lost my job, friends and was made to look like a lunatic bully.

So I lost my job, friends and was made to look like a lunatic in the community all by Jamie Waller and the whole time he was sitting beside me virtually holding my hand while this was happening.  He was causing all the awful stuff, and mind you suicide wasn’t out of my mind, and all the time he was pretending to be my friend.  That is some sick shit right there.

I guess in the mean time he was warming up to the girls in our circle and slowly turning them against me.  So sorry I couldn’t spend hours in the group chat talking about fantasies and make belief missions.  Poor Erin he has her head so messed up she doesn’t have a clue what is real.  She believes he is her protector when actually she let the devil in.  I am putting all of this on my website so that anyone that does a search on Jamie Waller will be warned.  God knows I don’t want

I removed Traci, Kristi and Erin’s profile/cover photos simply because it seemed to disturb them so terribly, not that they care at all about how their actions may hurt me but hey.

I am putting all of this on my website so that anyone that does a search on Jamie Waller will be warned.  God knows I don’t want any more drama.  I finally turned my flying monkey time card into Mr. Waller and I don’t plan on replacing it.  Doing the right thing is important to me though and so is this community.     It breaks my heart that those girls are under his spell but how can I judge?  He is damn good at this mental warfare.  After all, he did the same thing to Norma with me.

Jamie’s MO is to act like his female victims are crazy and he loves to threaten legal whatever. Right now I am wanted by the FBI and the police from Kentucky to Wisconsin.  Dumb.  He hacked my website to help his lie look more real and posted an official looking cover to my website you will see in the pictures that said my site was taken by the I think the National Terrorism something or another.  That is seriously illegal and insane.

So good luck everyone and I pray that this asshole doesn’t hurt anyone else.  Unfortunately, he is already doing it to those close to him.  He can’t hurt me anymore.  I know what a joke he really is.  Oh, he goes by Jamie Waller, James Waller, Christopher Bender and his favorite Anon Preacher.  His email is  Believe him if you want but I am done with the dumb stuff.  I have work to do.  Love you all and am so glad to get my life back.

There are just some of Jamie’s awful emails and there are so many more.  Read this first one if nothing else.  This is insane.

So full of crap







Being A Facebook Recovery Saint



I’m not just talking about Carol and Carla either.  I’m talking about all the people that really seem to enjoy making fun of just about anyone that goes live on Facebook.  What do they say?  You guys know but for those that don’t here are a few of their favorites.

They only care about getting famous

LMAO, really?  You know that how?  Famous?  By posting videos about their struggles with addiction?  Oh ok!

That person isn’t qualified to be giving advice

Um, first of all, they are telling THEIR stories, and actually, they are the most qualified person to do so.  Not to mention that these people have lived through the hell and made it out.  I don’t know about you but I give more weight to experience than I do to classroom knowledge any day.

They aren’t following the Big Book ( rules, traditions or whatever )

Here is the deal with this one and this one has been a big topic recently.  These pages and groups on Facebook aren’t meetings.  Did you catch that ladies?  oh and boys?  PAGES AND GROUPS ARE NOT MEETINGS.  You won’t catch any of the wonderful people that I know going into actual meetings and telling people attending that they must feel, believe or act a certain way in order to recover. ( you might see a gang banging mom say you need supplements but that is a different story for a different day and we don’t endorse her anyway)  In case someone missed it, let’s say that again.  PAGES AND GROUPS ARE NOT MEETINGS.  They are not held to the same rules.  They are managed by individuals who are telling their stories of success and that is all.  If a person does not like the message of a certain page…there are about 100k more, period.

They are all marketers and only do it for the money

First off, any time you hear someone say “they all” or “everyone of” chalk it up to bullshit.  It’s dumb.  Since when is everybody anything?  How about this, what if they are “marketers?”  Let me explain to some of you sweet folks what the people I love do.  THEY HELP PEOPLE!!  EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT ASKS FOR HELP IS PAID ATTENTION TO AND TO THE BEST OF THEIR ABILITY IS TAKEN CARE OF.  Is every message answered the moment it comes in?  No, everyone does the best they can.  Again, its a Facebook page and we don’t claim to be open 24 hours or advertise 10 min wait times.  When someone asks for help we also don’t comment under their comment and say HEY CAROL WE GOT THIS ONE, NO NEED TO SCARE THEM OFF ((YES SHE REALLY DID THAT even after we had been in touch.  We also had a scholarship that could have been used for the young man but she would rather say someone did something wrong.  The reality is she is the one that was not only stalking again but put a boy’s life in danger and turned the scholarship down because she needs to be able to say the page owner did something wrong.  The scholarship to Mississippi didn’t fit into that story though did it.

Marketers in the recovery world have been given a bad name by a few people.  We are addicts guys, we deal with enough stigma.  Since when do we allow a few bad eggs to ruin the bunch?  If that is the case then you all suck.

Also, if someone posts their private phone number we delete it after noting the number.  The worst kind of marketers are the ones that troll pages and look for people.  ( sound familiar carol )

They only do it to feed their ego


What makes these people think that they are so much wiser and more equipped to help someone?  Again, HELP SOMEONE, because that is what we are trying and doing.  Do they go to churches and follow the guy in the food bank around and post on Facebook if he doesn’t turn the cans all facing front?  If you know how to do it better then, by all means, open your own page.  If you spent a quarter of as much time helping people as you worrying about what we do you might actually learn just what running a page that has traffic is like.  You might realize that in order for us to get anywhere that we need to work together.  If you hate someone don’t talk to them, make a funny meme that only you understand and post till your heart is content.  Don’t troll around Facebook pretending that you know better than someone else.  You don’t.  The truth is you are very unhappy, and I really hope that one day you find peace.  There is no way that your sponsor and the people at your meetings know that crap that you do.  It’s a waste of time and makes you look silly.  I know, I use to be just like you.  I was you, and its not fun.


Welcome to Facebook Recovery

Welcome to Facebook Recovery!  We are so happy that you decided to join our fellowship.  If you would please step in the line that best describes why you are here.  Oh and keep moving.




Okay, where were we?

Oh yeah…ugh…if you are here because you are in active addiction you should know that there are about 5 pages and 3 groups that really give a shit about you.  Please search aimlessly for one of those and I am sorry we cannot instruct you any farther.  While searching please note that you must not share anything that has triggers on them ( triggers are just about every damn thing )  Be sure to share the hell out of everything that we tell you to.  If you witness anything criminal or just down right wrong please keep it to your damn self.  We can’t stand negativity it messes with our flow of saving lives, ( the ones with the PPO )

Families we know that you are worried about you loved one ( you really should have got better insurance ) but you are welcome to follow the addicts with the shitty insurance to the family groups.  Feel free to jump into the addict groups too so that you can chime in every chance you get.  By the way, no go fund me’s ok!!

Now if you find a group you are interested in joining please do so.  Ignore the marketer hiding in the corner waiting to pounce, we know he is scary but truth be told he’s not there for you anyway, your insurance sucks.  When you get into the group you believe is honest and doing good things open up and tell your story.  The groups are closed so that no one can read what you wrote.  ( except the 10,000 members who are pros at screenshotting) They will be more than happy to ensure that everyone you love hears all about it if you make the mistake of doing anything anyone doesn’t like.

Do me a favor don’t message me ok.  I am a busy person.

You are on your own —see you around friend!!



This is for entertainment purposes, not to be taken seriously ( lmao )

My Relapse

Advocate Relapse

It’s hard for anyone to admit that they relapsed.  Recently we have had a few relapses in our recovery community online.  Advocates are no different than anyone else, this shit is hard.  One of the arguments that I have heard of “going live” is that eventually one of us are going to relapse, one of us might die.  They say that most of us aren’t qualified to step out in front of a camera and tell people how to cook a steak much less how to recover.  Yes, it is true, some will relapse and it’s possible that someone could die but that doesn’t mean we should stop.  Those things could happen regardless.

After the past month, I have to admit that I have done exactly what everyone worries about.  I didn’t take any drugs, but I still relapsed all the same.  The type of relapse I am speaking of is an emotional relapse.  That might not be the right word but all I know is that before I knew what happen I looked up and realized I have been crying for a month.  All I was doing was self-loathing and punishing myself for things I didn’t do, couldn’t control and wasn’t really involved in.  Thankfully, I decided to speak up about what was going on and showed my vulnerability, even if it came out in anger.

The reason I share this is simple.  It doesn’t matter what your role is in recovery, how long you’re clean or how immune you think you are shit happens.  There are different kinds of relapses.  Of course, you can relapse by using, but you can also relapse by:

  • self-loathing
  • acting out in relationships
  • self serving
  • lying
  • cheating

Some of these other relapses can be just as dangerous as picking up your drug of choice.  Mental health is key to our recovery.  If you see someone in recovery struggling with a mental or character relapse, take it seriously.  There are many other ways that addicts die every day besides overdose.  There are countless suicides daily that no one attributes to addiction.  There are many addicts that survive these nondrug-related relapses but destroy loved ones and friends with their insecurities.

The biggest message is this.  These so-called “leaders” in recovery are just addicts like you.  They feel all the same feelings that you do.  They have bad days and good days, but just like us sometimes they have bad months.  If you notice yourself going down the path of one of these types of relapse speak out.  The biggest lessons that advocates have to teach is that they are human. Humans make mistakes and as long as you are honest about them, you will teach far more with your mistakes than you ever will with your success.

Be good to each other and stand up when something is wrong.  Sometimes we have to be “negative” to do what is right.  Turning the other cheek is great for a while.  After you get punched twice, its time to fight.